


The never land

by Patatarte



Series: The CowCrew ship fest [2]
Category: cowchop, fakechop - Fandom
Genre: Drug Use, Ein is here for a few seconds, M/M, doubts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 09:10:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12129204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patatarte/pseuds/Patatarte
Summary: He flinched, Aleks saw him.It’s not something James does, no.  James yells, complains, looks murderous or annoyed, but he doesn’t flinch. And that’s why it messes with Aleks’ head so much. He can’t remember what was told to James, but that definitly made him flinch.Aleks saw James nearly break up many times before, when they decided to split up with their old friends or when they got kicked out of their house. It was stressful times but James only nearly broke down.





	The never land

He flinched, Aleks saw him.

It’s not something James does, no. James yells, complains, looks murderous or annoyed, but he doesn’t flinch. And that’s why it messes with Aleks’ head so much. He can’t remember what was told to James, but that definitly made him flinch.

Aleks saw James nearly break up many times before, when they decided to split up with their old friends or when they got kicked out of their house. It was stressful times but James only nearly broke down.

It turns the world upside down, because Aleks never realized how much James could take on him, hidding everything for the sake of all. And so it just feels right to look after him, for once. For hours, Aleks looks on the side, checks on James, frowns and wonders what he can do to make him feel better or to open up.

The occasion comes up when lunch arrives. Brett pretty much decided to treat them all with a good restaurant, because their last operation went better than expected and he’s not one to neglect that.  
Of course James declines, telling that he’s not feeling too well.

Aleks goes on the parking lot with everyone else and tells Brett he’s not going either. Brett isn’t really asking questions, the man has his reasons he’ll probably explain laters, as usual (And to be honest, Brett is even a little glad to not spend too much (that’s not even his own money, it the crew piggy bank anyways)).

When almost all of the crew is gone, with two cars, Aleks waits there. He knows well that James heard the cars leaving, so he just waits for him to feel like he’s alone before going back inside. He has plenty of time, meals with Brett in restaurants can be long (even more so if Trevor doesn’t know what to order for twenty minutes).

After a while (for god knows how many seconds or minutes burning under the sun), Aleks goes back, slowly, being as discreet as possible.

He stays behind the shop’s door which is open just enough for him to see James. And what he sees isn’t really telling, James has his face in his hands like a tired or ill person. But then he hears a sob, and the shakes in James’ body in unmistakable : he’s crying like he never saw him do.

Aleks doesn’t know what to do, how to talk, but he’s moving anyways. James has headphones on, probably listening to music to not hear himself, or at least it’s what Aleks would do. He doesn’t see nor hear, and that’s Aleks opening.

With quick steps he’s next to James, extending his arm to put a reassuring hand on is friend’s shoulder but James was aware of his presence before that. Probably betrayed by his smell, damnit. It should be funny, in any other circumstances it would be, but James almost jumps in his seat, going further against the wall, eyes wild open.

He looks more scared than anything, turning his head towards the wall to avoid Aleks’ eyes, coughing to clear his voice.

“Forgot your wallet again ?” he sounds almost normal, maybe a bit rude with hints of nervousness in his voice.

Aleks decides to finish what he was planning to do, a hand going on James’ shoulder, slowly. But James moves a bit, makes it falls. He’s rejecting help, like the stubborn asshole he is. Not today, James.

“James, are you okay ?” Aleks tries with a small voice, brows furrowed in clear concern.

“Yeah, just…Got stomach ache. Probably ate something bad yesterday, that’s all.”

Lies, and they both know it.

Aleks hums and goes to his desk, opening a box and taking pills from it. He’s like the unofficial doctor here, having too many shits for every causes. He puts them on James’ desk, half sitting on it and crossing his arms, tilting his head to see his face.

God, James looks like a cornered bird ready to fly into a window and break its wings.

“Take that, it’ll ease the pain.” Aleks offers, pushing the pills a bit more, waiting for James to take them.

He knows he won’t, even to pretend, because he’s more careful than Aleks about it all. So he waits until James turns his head to him, slowly, eyes puffy and red. There’s no smile, but a bit of annoyance, because maybe if James plays that card, Aleks will leave him alone.

Yeah, take a chance.

“I think I’ll go home and lie down for the day.”

Aleks wants to smirk because that’s so previsible, but instead he just jumps down James’ desk and goes to his own once again, grabbing his keys under James scrutiny.

“What are you doing, Aleksandr ?” he sounds tired, almost defeated, a hand passing on his face.

“Won’t let you drive” is all Aleks says in a shrug.

It’s when James knows he’s trapped. Well if he can endure the drive, then after he’ll be free of this situation. So he nods and stands, grabbing his stuff quickly. Aleks doesn’t leave his eyes away from him, looking for anything bad that might happen, like breaking down again.

But no, James seems to hold on, giving a half assed smile and walking next to him. Only then, Aleks takes what he needs to stay home today, some blue prints and three knives he needs to sharpen.

“Lets go” he says, waiting for James to walk first.

And so they go.

Aleks even turns down the volume of his radio for James, doesn’t push for questions and even send a text to Brett at a red light, telling him they’ll be gone for the afternoon. It wasn’t a big day anyways so they can allow themselves to take a break.

Once in James’ street, Aleks sees the man fidgets slowly, hands already on the door handle, ready to fly. He parks his car carefuly and turns towards James, a small smile on his face.

“James,” he starts, swallowing slowly, choosing his words with care. “You can talk to me, you know that, right ?”

James won’t look at him, eyes on the road before him. He barely nods but it’s still there, so Aleks takes that as a victory. He won’t insist thought, so he just taps on the steering wheel, waiting for what’s next.

“Take care, okay ?” he tries to let him go, but wants James to allow him to stay.

James nods slightly again, opening the door and stepping out of the car before grabbing his stuff out. He looks around, waiting a second, probably thinking before pocking his head in the car once again. He won’t look at Aleks but he’s still going to talk to him.

“Want something to drink ? You missed lunch.”

Victory.

“Lunch is whenever I want, dude. But sure.” a warm smile that’s rewarded by James’ small one.

The car is left behind as they walk towards the small house, Ein already barking. She whines more than she barks when she sees Aleks, but that’s just how she greets him. He pets her for the longest time as James just throws his stuff on his couch and takes fruit juices out of his fridge.

“I don’t have much but…” James gave up on alcohol, the bravest of them all.

Aleks shrugs again, leaving Ein on the floor to look at the labels on the bottles. He takes ananas, feeling definitly thirsty now. He drinks the small bottle in one go and it feels really good. He just regrets being too fast when he sees the look James is giving him.

He thinks he’s going to leave.

“Have anything to eat ? I’ll even do salad.” The Russian jokes.

James shakes his head, opening his fridge again to admire the whole nothing in it. There’s mostly beverage. Oh and a piece of cheese cake that is a leftover from the warehouse’s fridge. He gives it to Aleks who feels his stomach growls at the view of food.

And so he eats it, slowly, going against his hunger for James’ sake who’s just looking at him in silence. It should be awkward, but it isn’t really. Aleks won’t force James to talk and James isn’t looking like he’s going to anyways. He just enjoys the silence and the company at the same time.

“Want a bite ?” the last one, because Aleks isn’t a monster.

James makes a face but takes a step to get the last piece, feeling quite hungry now. It’s almost nothing, but it’s still considerate. He sits next to Aleks and takes his time to get through the small piece while they both look at the table.

The sun starts poking throught the curtains, because time hasn’t stopped yet.

Aleks is surprised when a head goes on his shoulder, a bit more violent than expected. He hears the sigh and knows he has to do something like he did years ago when James couldn’t handle the situation with the prankster group anymore.

They changed so much since that day, and yet…

The Russian moves, a hand going around James’ waist as the man does the same to him. It’s a simple hug, going well until Aleks decides to close the hug with his other hand on the man’s back, brushing against his t-shirt slightly.

That simple gesture makes James shake, trying his hardest to not sob even when his body is betraying him by the second. Aleks has no idea why James is that way, but he’s not going to leave before he knows or before James feels better, that’s his goal.

“It’s okay,” he tells him, even if it’s not. He doesn’t know.

He feels tears again his shoulder, going deep in his shirt. It breaks his heart as he hugs James tighter, he doesn’t know what else to do. Longs ago they did the same, but then Aleks knew the reasons, and he needed the hug just the same.

“Hey…” he whispers against the dark hair. “What’s going on ?”

He’s a bit afraid to know, but he wants him to feel better, needs him to feel better. James sighs again, unmoving and still crying but he’s not shaken by sobs anymore. It’s alright, it’s going to be alright.

“Do you still have pills or anything to laugh my ass off until I fall asleep ?” his request is muffled but Aleks heard all.

“I do, in my car actually.” he answers, still against the dark hair.

He’s not really agreeing with giving such drugs to James, because the reasons are against his moral, but he also can’t say no to the guy. And James is giving a convincing argument just by nudging his nose against Aleks’ throat.

It happened once, still when they left the trickster group. James wanted to know if Aleks would stay, or keep him (a bit of both), and was truly affectionnate, something Aleks just can’t go against.

“Am I annoying ?” he asks, and Aleks can’t help but snorts at that.

“We are all annoying, that’s like…Our mark.” Really, the Cow Crew isn’t the most sane to be around.

He realizes it’s not what James wanted to hear when the man pushes him, slowly but surely breaking the hug. James won’t look at him still, a bitter smile on his face, he’s fidgeting with his hands once again.

“I mean.” He looks away, and Aleks can see tears forming again at the corner of his eyes. “Do you think I’ll end up alone ?” He sounds so hurt about this. “Or that I’m not good enough, for the crew.”

Is that what it’s all about ? Aleks can’t believe his ears. He never expected him to feel this way, to feel almost like…a burden ? Hell, Aleks thought he was the number one thinking that shit.

“James…” Aleks starts, hands on James’ shoulders, trying to make him look in his eyes. “If anyone in the crew deserves to be kicked out for being annoying I think it’s me. I burned so many things I thought Brett would shoot me the other day.” he laughs slowly.

And it makes James smiles, but it looks sadder than supposed to. Aleks brushes his thumbs against James’ shoulders again, want it to be clear.

“Everyone in the crew likes you, everyone. You complain but no more than any of us, you yell but Trevor is louder everyday. Nobody will leave you behind.”

I’ll never leave you behind.

“Do you think I’m worth it ?” God, James sounds so unsure, bitter against himself.

Aleks freezes for a second, not knowing what to answer because of course he’s worth it ! How can he think that even for a second ? He made everything possible, he kept them alive, he…He’s half of the coin that was used to build the crew. The Cow Crew is nothing without him, Aleks is nothing without him (he still thinks it’s a harsh truth but accepted it long ago).

“Answer me” James closes his eyes, two tears falling from his eyes as he tries to hide it in his hands.

Since how many times is he struggling with such thoughts ?

Aleks leans on him, captures James in his arms once again, holding tight. He doesn’t even think twice before kissing his hair, because it’s what a mother would do, because he needs the biggest reassurance right now.

James needs to sleep more, to enjoy things more. He needs to be happier, deserves everything in the world.

“If…If one day you decide to leave the crew…” Aleks starts in a low voice. “I’ll leave with you. No doubt.”

“Tsk, no, you’ll follow Brett.” that’s his statement.

“I followed Brett for years, yeah. But then I followed you.” He’s being honest.

“Why ?” his face is still in his hands, hidding, but he wants answers anyways.

“You were impressive. Then a bit annoying but you grew up on me. I hesitated to go my way but you convinced me to stay, and since then…I don’t regret it.” A second of silence, a bit too long maybe. “Do you regret it ?”

That question was enough for James to drop his hands from his face, pushing Aleks just enough to look at hims in the eyes this time. But there’s still no words so Aleks decides to continue just a bit.

“I miss the old days sometimes.” James seems to agree with that. “But I feel better nowadays, and I wish you will too.”

“I don’t…Uh” he’s searching for the right words, he’s not good with them. “I just don’t want to lose anyone again. I feel like I’m…” he struggling again. “I feel like I’m going down.” His hands are flailing around, failing to find the words and starting to feel annoyed about it.

Aleks nods slowly and tells him not to move before running outside to his car. It’s confusing because he does that so fast James barely blinks or moves in the meantime. He’s back with a duffel bag and looks around, pointing the huge and fluffy carpet in the center of the living room.

“Lay down.” he says as James hesitates. “I think we both need to feel a little lighter, so we’re going to get high.” is his only explanation as he opens the bag.

Inside, there’s water bottles, some beers, pills, brownies and chips. It’s like an emergency pack but for the mind. He sits on the floor and starts separating stuff, looking at James from time to time until the man decides to join.

They sit face to face until Aleks pushes James’ shoulders to make him lay on the carpet, even going to take off his bun without asking. Lucky James isn’t in the mood for yelling.

“It’s still the same stuff ?” James asks, because he knows what it does, it’s been a long time since the last.

“Yeah, no need to change what’s working. Asher likes it too, I’m sure the trinity uses more than he’s telling me. I’m not stupid I know what’s in my stash.” He’s just talking to make it okay, but James is glad for this.

They swallow pills, and Aleks knows it’s going to be a bit more powerfull for James who’s clean lately, so he decides to only take one, to take care. He lays down too, and if James expected him to be next to him, he’s confused when Aleks is on the other side, his eyes in level with his throat while his mouth is lined with his.

“Close your eyes, or the room will spin and it’ll be no fun.” is his advice, glad when James follows it. “And talk whenever you’re ready.”

James hums, waiting a long minute while focusing on Aleks’ breath, trying to relax. When the effects start, he panics a little but Aleks is huming to calm him, right next to his face. It happened once, the night James almost crashed his car because he was so upset with their situation within the prankster group.

It was a long night where all emotions were displayed, and when Aleks decided to never let go of James.

Tonight might be the exact same, different situation, more mysteries and more problems, but the persons are the same, the drugs, James’ grasp on Aleks hair and the kiss they exchange. Sloppy, strange and yet normal.

It happened before and made them go forward, it’s happening as James is talking all his problems and fears against the russian’s lips. It starts as a kiss and too many words, then laughs and even more words, until James is so tired he falls asleep in the middle of a sentence, eyes still closed as Aleks looks over him.

The Russian stands, takes a blanket in James’ bedroom and put it on both of them as he goes next to his friend, already planning to be more careful of his emotions, needing to make him talk more.

Hell, maybe one day he’ll talk to him too instead of talking to Brett.

Maybe one day they’ll drop the drug part and just talk and stay next to each other for nights.

Maybe.


End file.
